I am well aware that it has been a long time since I have done anything on this site, and am also aware that I may not be talking to an empty room. While I'd sooner have a few people read what I rattle on about here, this blog was always more about having a place to dump out the things in my head than having an audience fawning over my every word.
I recently ran across a website that delivers daily writing prompts, and I felt that it might be nice to start taking some of the ideas that those prompts spark and put them on virtual paper. This may not be a daily thing for me, but when the mood strikes, I will write something. The prompt for today is "SMOKE," and I have to say that the idea came very quickly for me.
That image that you see there is a lot what it feels like inside my head at times. I have, for over a decade now, suffered from anxiety and depression. I am often asked what it feels like, and have found it tough to explain. I have used fog as a metaphor in the past, but smoke works just as well, and may actually be more appropriate now that I think about it.
I tend to think of my head as my favorite space to go to for comfort. Great memories are kept there, and there always appear to be new images hanging on the walls, many of which give me ideas for things to write about. It's a place where I can be totally free, and where I feel as though I can come to no harm.
When I get into one of my rather nasty little funks, or I become anxious about some seemingly innocuous event that I have to attend, that room becomes a whole lot less hospitable. Things quickly become hazy, and breathing normally becomes a chore. My happy hidey-hole becomes filled with smoke, and it chokes me to the point where I just want to smash open a widow and scream for help. Now, if only I could find that window.
My wife is usually the one who finds here way into that room and gently opens the window for me, clearing the air and calming me down in one move. The time between these events has grown a little longer in recent years, and while I know they will probably never fully go away, I know that they will be manageable as long as I have someone by my side who sees the signs and knows how to clear the smoke from the room.
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