Friday, December 31, 2010

Get Out Of My Head!!

I may have mentioned previously that I am a bit of a lazy bugger. Why bother doing something today, when it can be put off until 4 and a half moths from now? This is all well and good until you forget to pay bills and you find yourself cuffed and bent over the hood of a police car (that hasn't really happened......YET).

I am fortunate in the way in which I write. I get an idea, start having character conversations in my head, and the story just kinda blooms out from there until it is fully formed and finished. At that point I commit it to laptop in one big blurb, fingers barely leaving the keys. The good part is that even when I procrastinate, the full story stays tucked away, filed neatly in stacks of folders inside my noggin, until I am ready to write. Here is a peek into my private files, a small glimpse at what I have written, but have yet to spew out.

MARY IN THE SQUARE - This came on a stormy night in Savannah, while Pen and I sat in the outdoor patio of a late night pizza joint. The idea was so vivid and so very real feeling, so electrically charged was our little environment. Pen still has the napkins that I scribbled all the ideas is a little excerpt..

She stands, motionless, amidst the maelstrom; thunder roars and lightning cracks that threaten to rend the skies apart. Driving rain finds a way through the canopy of oaks and drenches her, pasting the fabric of her gown against goose fleshed skin in fevered lovers embrace.
Then, just for a moment, there is calm, and she raises her eyes to the heavens and screams, a caterwauling wail that echoes through the square and attempts to raise the dead.

FILM AT 11 - I love this idea, I really do, although I can't really remember how it came to me which is odd. Basically it's the tale of a man who accidentally kills a prostitute in a downtown alleyway and proceeds to become haunted, via his TV, by the ghost of a dead news anchor who was murdered in the same street. The anchorman reports the hooker murder, in various stages of decay I might add, tormenting our "hero".

ROADSIDE ATTRACTION - This came while I was stuck in traffic and in desperate need of a bathroom. The idea that I may have to pull into a location that was less than savory popped, unwanted and unwelcome, into my head, and the story was born. It turns into a nasty, gore filled, shit stained piece, and it may never see the light of day.

UNNAMED - My latest little idea is not yet fully formed, but involves an old hanging tree (yes, we have one in our little downtown area), the kids who climb it, and the spirits that reside in the upper branches. If I think about it long enough, it will come.

That's it for now. I think I keep those in there, because any time I write, and complete, a story, I feel like that may be the end of it. Nothing else, no fresh ideas , will ever come again, yet they always do. Time to write these methinks.

Thursday, December 30, 2010


The text message was as simple as it gets, "my computer is gone". When that little note from Penny popped up on the phone, I assumed she meant that it was broken, such is my naivete on such issues. It turns out our condo had been broken into, and her laptop stolen. No-one was hurt, nothing but the computer was taken, and there is very little damage, save for some crowbar mess to the back door. It's the knowing that someone was in your house that is the worst.
Penny is still feeling the fear, choosing to blow up the air mattress and sleep downstairs. My fear vanished the moment I got home and saw that she was safe. Mine is now a full bore anger, a rage that has built up as I had to take the day off work (losing much needed money in the process), to spend my time setting up burglar alarm installation, as well as cruising the local pawn shops to see if the laptop had dropped yet. It would appear that out county has strict pawn laws in place, and the chances of it showing up are slim to none. More likely, the computer has been traded for drugs.
It also irks me that I don't have the funds to replace the loss for my wife. Insurance is no use as we don't have the serial # for the laptop.....who thinks about recording that shit until after the fact?
The good out of all of this is that we will get smarter and more vigilant. We will take photos of our stuff, record the numbers and put them somewhere safe, and have our home protected by an alarm system. A $350 laptop is a small price to pay for a little education I guess, but it still doesn't make the learning experience a pleasant one.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Creepy, Creepy, Creepy

I"ll get to the post I intended to write in a few minutes, but I just have to take a moment to talk about a radio ad that is riding the Atlanta airwaves right now. I have heard on numerous occassions, but yesterday the full effect of it finally seeped into my brain, and it just struck me as creepy, given the visual that it placed there. Not even a large mouthfull of bleach could cleanse me of the image.
The ad, like 90% of all ads on sports talk radio, is for erectile dysfunction. It seems to me that watching football musr rob a whole nation of  men of their libido and blood flow. Anyways, this ad is for a clinic that uses, "all natural" methods to help with ED. The narrator (supposedly the head (no pun intended) doctor) tells us that this is for fellows who have tried all the other pills and potions with zero success. Here is where it gets weird. At this point, the doctor, so confident of his procedures, claims that satisfaction is guaranteed and that men will see the benefits of his plan...."IN HIS OFFICE".
What? I don't know about other dudes, but I have never had Captain Howdy pop up and wave to the crowd as I am examined by a doctor. I realize that this is his job, but seriously, creepy doc nuzzling my apple bag would probably make my symtoms worse. The only thing that doesn't surprise me with the ad is that there are no spoken testimonials by happy patients. I may be wrong, but I believe the following video shows the doc in his previous job.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

It's Now Or Never

A few short months ago, while posting to AllVoices, I decided that a daily top 10 list I wrote for that site would make a good book. The idea was a product of equal parts inspiration and ego. It was a creative, fun thing to do on a daily basis, and the popularity of the list made it seem like a sure fire hit. The decision was made, come January 1st, I would write the top 10 every day for a year and self-publish. Well, that day is almost here, and I am somewhat overwhelmed by the idea of committing to a project on that scale.
Let me backpedal a bit here. I am a certified procrastinator, especially when it comes to writing. I have a head full of fully fleshed out ideas that may never see the light of day (I'll outline a few for tomorrow's post). I also found it odd, and a little pretentious, when writer's would talk about, "finding their voice", but it is real. The top 10 list, as I wrote it, is a sarcastic, sometimes bristling piece of work, and it became easy to crank out over time. Now that I have skipped a few weeks, it has become difficult to get that voice back.
So, what to do? What to do?

I feel that I am at a crossroads as it pertains to writing. Do I actually commit to something and write every day, actually finishing a project, or do I continue to do what I do....write sporadically and get published every 3 years? I choose to write, I have the template and ISBN barcode already set up at, so starting Jan 1st (hangover be damned) I am writing every day. Perhaps I will post a weekly BEST OF THE 10 here every Sunday or so.
Wish me luck, I'll need it.

Monday, December 27, 2010

A Little Kindling

Here is what I screwed myself out of

 I am a big ass blabbermouth, the sort of fellow who simply doesn't know when to shut up. This infernal yammering came back to bite me in the butt this holiday season, as my wife Penny, tired of hearing me go on about the Nook Color and all the great magazine subscriptions that would look so wonderful on it, snapped and returned the Kindle she had bought for me. How could I have known that such a brilliant gift was mine for the taking if I had just shut up for 2 minutes? I'm an idiot, my wife is awesome.....nuff said.
For those of you lucky enough to be mute, or in possession of the ability to leave well enough alone, it must be a wonderful time as you hold your new Kindle in your hands. Or is it? You have the reader, but no cash to buy a book to download after blowing your wad on presents and turkey dinner. Well, do not worry, for I have a few places you can go to get a hold of free books, enough in fact to tide you over until the debt collector stops calling.

1.  Project Gutenberg -  With over 33,000 titles (mostly the classics), there is enough here to keep you reading FREE for years to come. Oddly enough, The Kama Sutra is the top download there at the moment. Not only is the Kindle the top e-reader, it also doubles as a sex toy apparently.

2. Google E-Bookstore - Again, mostly classics like Dickens, Austen etc, but an excellent place to start for the frugal or financially embarrassed.

3. Open Library - Over 20 million items available here, all contributed by the sites users. You can find articles on just about any subject here, almost like a giant, virtual encyclopedia.

That should be enough to keep you all reading for a while. As for me, I will have to wait until the Nook drops in price, or until my next bonus at work. Hmmmmmm, I did just notice that my daughter left her Kindle here by mistake. Should I tell her or not?

Friday, December 24, 2010

True Grit Review

Movies, when done properly, have the ability to stand alone as unforgettable pieces of art. When you place the brush in the hands of the Coen Brothers, more often than not, they paint a masterpiece. The painstaking character detail, even in players that only play the tiniest of parts in their movies, is astonishing.
True Grit, a remake of the 1969 John Wayne classic, is a straightforward tale of revenge, as a 14 year old girl takes it upon herself to see that the murder of her father is avenged. The girl, Mattie, is a ballsy little thing but, so brilliant is the performance by Hailee Steinfeld, we never forget that she is just that, a young girl. She barters a deal for her fathers horses that allows her to hire the services of Reuben "Rooster" Cogburn, a grizzled, gun happy marshall, who is as happy with a gun as he is with a whiskey bottle. It was Wayne who made this role such a beloved cinematic figure, but Jeff Bridges vision of the aging gunslinger, will sit very nicely alongside Wayne's, so good is his performance.
Throw in Matt Damon as a slick talking Texas Ranger, and you have a totally mis-matched trio that look doomed to fail in their quest to track down the killer, Tom Chaney (Josh Brolin, in another unbelievably memorable performance given the short time he appears on screen).
The story is simple, but when it is surrounded by images that look and sound so good, it really only begs one many nods will it get come Academy Award time.

My World

LOL....My babies

You often hear folks mumble the words, "it's a small world", when they stumble upon the friend of a friend of a family member who married a goat 25 years ago. That doesn't make the world small, merely creepy. What makes it small is YOU!! The less people you let in, the smaller it gets. My world is tiny, due, in large part, to me. I don't like people. They have the unerring ability to cheat, deceive, and screw you to get ahead in their own world, in short.....letting you down is their unconscious goal.
My world is small, but good. Kids, brilliantly well balanced, smart and well on their way to being capable, healthy adults. My love for them knows no bounds. Family, great....I am the one who lets that side down...they know it, I know it, but they seldom complain. That they continue to reach out to me when my arms stay firmly by my side says more about them than I ever could. It's not that I don't want to, I LOVE them, but something inside stops me.
My friends, the few that I have...ditto my family.

Penny.....nuff said

Then there is my wife, the woman who doesn't have to, yet chooses to spend each and every day by my side, and does so with unfailing strength and love. She is why I choose to wake each day, no matter how tired...the reason I laugh when all around me should drive me to tears...the one that makes me pull my arms from my side and make me reach for an embrace that I don't deserve, yet always get whenever I need it. It's all enough to make a man feel superior, yet I am humbled by it all....a wife and family and kids who love me for what I am, in spite of my glaring deficiencies.
This is the perfect example of where I fall short, that it is easier for my to write this than speak it aloud....yet, I know that all who matter will read this, so it's good.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Backwards And Forwards

When I was a kid, Christmas was a magical time; a day of gifts and candy, sugar highs, with the occasional underpants gift low. Our family never had much, but we always made out okay in the presents department (except for one ghastly year where lies about what we got became the order of the day). My 2 personal favorites were a black and white tv, cleverly hidden under my nose as the box was wrapped and used as a stand for our little tree. The other was my first bike, a Raleigh Chopper, that took me out of the safety of my street and away on adventures to the furthest reaches of my town (a 5 minute ride, tops).

Look at the size of my chopper
That bike, as well as one of my favorite childhood haunts, became the basis of a story I wrote recently (The Tweener), and while writing it brought back a lot of happy memories, a lot of which were centered around Christmas. You see, my love of the holidays disappeared and turned to hatred during my retail working years where, in the mall at least, Christmas came early. I worked in a music store and we were forced to play xmas music, non-stop, the moment Halloween ended. You can only hear Kenny and Dolly so many times before something irreparably snaps in your brain.
A little of that childhood joy returned when I had kids of my own, and it has almost come back full bore with the little Christmas tradition we have adopted. Each and every year, since its DVD release, we settle down, popcorn and soda, candy canes and maple syrup in hand, and we watch, "Elf".

Tonight is our night. As soon as Penny gets home from work, we will grab hold of a little Christmas magic and then we will head to bed with smiles on our faces and our bellies full of candy treats.......and if Penny is lucky, maybe I'll show her my Chopper

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Yahoo's Top 10 Searches, Dec 21st, 2010

Today's Top Headline - Al Qaeda mulled poisoning food in the US
1. Lindsay Lohan - Everyone's favorite redhead is back in the news after being accused of assaulting a staff member at the Betty Ford Clinic. Lindsay must be housed in the Naomi Campbell wing of the clinic.

2. Bill Cowher - The former Steelers coach is ready to get back to work and has listed Miami, Houston and New York as places he would like to work. Houston seems like the perfect fit given the size of Cowher's chin. Isn't everything bigger in Texas?

3. Paper Checks - Social Security checks will be going paperless this coming May. From now on, recipients will have their checks lost in the e-mail.

4. Julianne Hough - The "Dancing With The Stars" pro toe-tapper has once again denied claims that she is engaged to Ryan Seacrest, which, once again, makes me pose the question; why would Seacrest be engaged to a woman?

5. Paula Deen - The Southern belle chef is distraught after discovering that her housekeeper was also a professional jewelery thief. Explains why her beef medallions kept going missing.

6. Keri Hilson - The singer is set to release her second album called, "Pretty Girl Rock". The album title was adopted after it was dropped by Amy Winehouse in favor of, "Girl Smoking Rock".

7. Amelia Earhart - It appears that bone fragments found on an island in the South Pacific may belong to the long lost aviator. Scientist believe the body may have been eaten by crabs, a fate that may be awaiting Bret Michaels.

8. Broadband Internet - Net neutrality is coming, meaning you current provider will be unable to block or discriminate against content from their competitors. Maybe it's the blocking of those rivals that causes my Charter connection to go out for days at a time every week.

9. Pet Food Recall - Grocery giant, Kroger is recalling pet food in 20 states after finding aflatoxin mixed in the food. The chemical causes lethargy and bloody diarrhea, much like how I get after a night drinking Crown Royal.

10. Zara Phillips - Another Royal wedding is on the cards as the Queen's granddaughter is set to wed her beau, Mike Tindall. Zara ranks way down on the Royal food chain, so don't expect the proceeding to be as lavish as Prince William's. In fact, the besotted couple have already booked The Olive Garden for their reception.

Once again no mention of today's top headline, but we did get jewel thieves and bloody diarrhea.....good enough.

Not Quite The Shite

It would appear that my little blog is beginning to gather a little steam in the visitor department. The number of hits I am receiving can no longer be attributed to friends and family alone as I simply don't know that many people. I can only assume that a bunch of folks are heading on over from my page on Daily Shite. Either way, thanks for coming.
It is with Daily Shite in mind that I m going to start posting some pics and videos that, for one reason or another, didn't make the cut for the main website. Some will be editor cuts, others will be bits that I chose not to submit, feeling it didn't quite fit there. So, here goes with the first one.....

This is more Ofuck than Aflac

Monday, December 20, 2010

Tis The Season

Say hello to my future

Today is my last full day at work before I embark on 5 days of freedom from the raptures of box hefting. Now, while I hope that this day is a little less full than most regular shifts, I am also fully aware that there really will be no free time.
What the next few work-free days will consist of is a steady diet of cleaning, laundry, and wishing I was back at my REAL job. On the bright side, my kids will be here for a couple of days, and you can rest assured they will be put to work like Victorian era street urchin chimney sweeps. The less glamorous tasks like cat litter cleaning and hauling trash bags to the condo skip will be their equivalent of christmas fruitcake.
On top of honing my man-maid skills, I will also be trying to do a little bit of writing, as well as actually getting to spend a couple of hours a day with Penny (my wife), something that doesn't happen that much given our conflicting work schedules.
Let's recap; 5 days off, kids visit, quality wife time, writing, some chores. It would appear that the happy pendulum has swung in my favor....bring it on I say.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

5 Minutes To Madness

I am tired....a lethal combination of long work hours and short, sleepless nights have made me a very cranky lad. Add to the fact that I am Scottish and have a wee bit of a temper (a birth right in Scotland, not a personality trait), ad we have a problem brewing.
It only took a 5 minute trip to my local Wal-Mart to light the fuse. Here is how it went down; spent the first 30 seconds parking 20 miles from the front door, then walking through frigid, icy wind shear temperatures just to get a delicious Subway sub. As i reach the entrance, Salvation Army boy starts ringing his little bell RIGHT IN MY FACE. Now, I am all for charity, and the SA is a good one, but if you are going to get all Quasimodo on my ass, then no coins for you.
I have no sooner passed him, when my path is blocked by a blood drive woman who wants me to donate a pint. I say that I can't because......."you are English", she blurts out. This despite the fact that I am wearing a hoodie that says, I Am Famous In Scotland on the front. No, Scottish, I reply.....same thing, she says, chuckling. The look I gave her made her blood turn so cold as to be unusable on their current drive.
Next stop Subway, where I order my usual, a footlong turkey breast with bacon, white cheese, lettuce, onions, salt and pepper. When they are building that baby, and it is always the same people there, no matter what time of day, they always ask what I want on my sanny...lettuce, onions, salt and pepper and that's it, is ALAWAYS (I am leaving that mis-spelling as evidence of my anger, thanks anyways spell-check) my answer. That's it are they key words in my order, a universal indicator that I don't want anything else....mustard and mayonnaise sir? is all I can muster at this point not to scream...FUCK OFF AND SHOVE YOUR SUB UP YOUR is only my hunger for said sub that saves the day, anal hair would also not be a topping of my choosing.
I pay and leave, but as i do, the Salvation Army dude spies me and raised his bell arm. To my eternal dismay, I look at him and say firmly, "don't". Like a good boy, he doesn't. Back out to Siberia and the long haul to my car, all the time muttering profanities under my breath.
It has been a full 15 minutes since these events took place, and i am now back in the cozy warmth of our home, writing and enjoying my sandwich, and to top it al........whoa, wait a minute. Is that a hair in my mouth?.....AAAAAAARRRGGGGGGGHHHH!!

Yahoo's Top 10 Searches, Dec 14th, 2010

Today's Top Headline - US Envoy, Richard Holbrooke, Dies

1. Selena Gomez - The teen actress is denying rumors that she is dating mop-topped, teen heartthrob, Justin Beiber. Fans of Beiber celebrated the news by having an extended nap during kindergarten sleepy time.

2. 2400-Year Old Soup - Archaeologists have unearthed a bronze vessel containing the centuries old soup. It is thought that the meal was served at Betty White's 18th birthday party.

3. Crystal Bowersox - The American runner-up released her debut solo album to somewhat tepid reviews. On the bright side, she has now earned enough money to buy shampoo.

4. Vanessa Hudgens - It's being reported that the actress has broken up with her, "High School Musical", co-star, Zac Efron. First Beiber, and now this. Today may just become a National Holiday for pre-teen girls.

5. John Travolta - The Hollywood star is in the news after Carrie Fisher appeared to out him in a recent interview. Controversy is nothing new for Fisher who, in another interview, claimed that Yoda would hump her leg between filming in the Star Wars flicks.

6. Wendie Malick - The "Just Shoot Me", and "Frasier" star is celebrating her 60th birthday today. To celebrate, her current show, "Hot In Cleveland", will shoot the next usually only the candles on her birthday cake as lighting.

7. Michael Vick - Immediately following Sunday's game, Cowboys player, Tashard Choice asked Vick to autograph his gloves. The only thing that would have been more appalling to Cowboys fans would have been Choice asking the QB to dog sit his poodle.

8. Interest Rates - Insurance companies are concerned the the up and down nature of rates could hurt the bottom line in their investment portfolios. They should relax, it's not like they ever actually pay out any of that money to their customers.

9. Personalized Gifts - These custom items are all the rage this holiday season. Perfect for the moron in your family who can't remember their own name.

10. Pink Floyd - The son of PF guitarist, David Gilmour, was arrested in London on charges of violent disorder and criminal damage after he was caught swinging on a Union Jack flag during a student protest. All in all, he's just another prick up a pole.

Well, no real surprise that there is no mention of the top headline in today's top 10....maybe tomorrow.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

The Cold, The Mad & The Ugly

A typically crappy Atlanta winter day
It's a miserable day here in Atlanta, what with plummeting temperatures and the white stuff fluttering through the air. It's cold, but that's a relative term, what folks consider to be cold here is spring like weather in some of the other paces I've lived. Scotland, my home country, has a cold, wet, and miserably damp climate that seeps through to your bones and refuses to leave. Check out the picture of a typical day in Glasgow....

Scotland...wetter than an excited bride

From there I moved to Calgary, Canada, where winter weather consists of heinous amounts of snow and negative temperatures that will freeze your snot before the salty goodness reaches your top lip. It has a winter that you think is never going to end, although you do get the occasional reprise when a chinook (a warm wind that blows in from the Rockies) hits the city and raises temps overnight. Still, for the most part it's unbearable.....look at the next pic and see what I mean...

Calgary...colder than the milk from a witch's tit

And then there is my current home in Metro Atlanta. Most of the year is spent in temperatures that make you feel as though you are a duffel coat wearing marathon runner. Hot, humid and swampy, the kind of heat that forces you to change your soggy underpants a couple of times a day (honestly, it's the heat, not incontinence). But every so often, we get a little cold snap and people go insane. Xmas shopping has been delayed in favor of buying flats of bottled water and pallets of canned stew which they hope will get them through the next 24 hours of slightly above freezing temps. That madness has rolled over to our local McDonalds where a sign at the drive thru read, "we have no McGriddles of ANY KIND" (seriously). I can hear the conversation now...I need 24 dozen sausage mcgriddles to get me through the storm...we have no mcgriddles left....okay, make it bacon instead. I plan to avoid the impending temperature apocalypse by staying home, watching football and drinking beer....hmmm, and maybe ingesting a Mcgriddle from the 60 I have stored in the freezer.

Friday, December 10, 2010

The Human Centipede

What can I say about this movie other than, it's your average, run of the mill ,American tourist captured by mad German scientist and sewn together ass to mouth, fun family flick.
A little more background you say. Ok, here goes......Two American girls, on a European road trip, get lost while looking for a hot nightclub in Germany. One pothole and a flat tire later and the girls are out in the rain looking for help. The stumble upon a rather lavish looking house in the woods, owned by a conjoined twins surgeon called, Dr. Heiter (dude looks like old leather stretched over a skeleton).
Here's where the fun really begins as Herr Doctor sets about attaching the girls and some Asian guy, who you never see being captured, to form a human centipede. This is a surgery that he informs them, during an impromptu slideshow, that he has already successfully performed on his three dogs.
From there on in it's a series of failed escapes and tortured wailing, with a healthy dose of torture porn tossed in for shits (literally) and giggles.
If it's nausea and total discomfort you want, then pop in The Human Centipede and have at it.

Site Overhaul

It's been a little over a week and I was already bored, (as were, I'm sure, the 3 other visitors to my site) with the look and layout. So, after much scouring of the web for FREE Blogger templates, I came up with this beauty. I have a feeling this one will be a keeper as I really have no desire to go through that entire fucking process again...XML is not my friend and, in fact, the implementation of it within the site made me scream out like a long-suffering tourettes patient.
Anyways, I hope you all like the new look, and expect some new content soon. It is after all, called The Inked Writer, not The Fat, Lazy Non-Writing Bastard (although looking at that, it does kinda sound groovy).

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Crown Royal, YOU BASTARD!!

You looked so hot in your sleek, purple velvet robe, and when you slipped it off, your amber body roused my senses. To taste you was bliss, and this is how you repay me. The complete inability to ingest solid foods, and the creation of a barricade in my head that blocks Tylenol.
I had forgotten why I had given up the Crown in my earlier years, that is until my 43rd birthday yesterday and a free shot given to me at my local bar....hook, line and sinker. When I think about it, perhaps it wasn't that beautiful Canadian beverage that did the damage, perhaps it was the nasty light beer in combination with said beauty.
So with that in mind, I have but one question for you Miss Royal....are you free this weekend?

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Groundhog Day Grind - Fiction Piece

The room was as spartan as it gets; single bed, draped in crisp, white linen, two bedside tables framing the thin mattress. A white, wooden locker-style closet stood in the corner, its single door closed and latched. The floor and walls were painted in a nondescript, antiseptic shade of grey, and the lone piece of wall decoration was a chalkboard mounted over the bed. The room was identical to all the others on the ward, save for the sprays of blood that coated the entire space, dry now, but still reeking of copper and death.

The therapist ran his hand through his thinning hair and turned to the orderly who stood in the doorway, nervously fingering an unlit cigarette, desperate to draw in its soothing fumes.

“When did you find him?”

The orderly shuffled his feet, and stuck the cigarette behind his ear. “Breakfast time, yesterday. I was dropping off his food and almost went down in that, that shit.”, he said, motioning towards one of the bigger patches on the floor.

“The police tell me that he…..”

“Yeah, he did this shit with his fingernails, filed them down by scraping them against the wall. You can see the goddam marks behind his bed. This shit isn’t my fault, I could never have known this was coming.”

The doctor sighed impatiently, “I was going to say that the police mentioned his leaving a message. Do you know anything about that?”

“Yeah, he sharpied that shit all over his door. Stream of  watchamacallit nonsense that makes no sense. It’s like his life story, but the funny thing is the broad he talks about, always thought he was a queer.”

The therapist whipped around quickly at the remark, “Don’t you know anything about the patients you tend to?”

“Just how they like their eggs, and which ones are prone to shittin’ themselves. None of the rest of it is any of my business, all that other shit is your job.”

The orderly continued to ramble, but Dr. Mills had tuned him out, his attention now turned to the neat lines of words adorning the back of the room door. He read them once, shook his head, and read them again.

I tumbled out of mothers womb my happy home her sealing tomb and into a world by mothers tit and laying around in my own shit then being cleaned all powdered dry but not enough to stop my cry for mothers tit to grow big and strong and head to school for way too long to learn from teach who sucked me dry just like a leech in toilet stalls he touched my hairless balls and spoke of love with tales of beatings with leather glove should I ever speak of his horrid needs or lusty deeds with no mothers tit to calm my soul I crawled inside my own hell hole and spent my time inside books and other worlds inside my secret reading nook that took me to my high school years and acne stains and adolescent tears disguised by straight As on endless learning days to high paid jobs in the working streets then home alone to frozen dinner treats an endless grind of Groundhog Day repetition finally broken by HER beautiful vision and the way she sung to my solitary soul a vision upon reflection that finally made me whole yet rejection was just around the corner not by choice but made to order by others who know nothing of my long gone life the visions I’ve seen my never ending strife to land in institutions cold where it seems to be I am doomed to grow old but I can’t have HER no-one can and thus here lies my final plan goodbye cruel world it’s been a blast we are off to a place where our love can last.

Mills stepped back and bumped into the orderly, who had been reading over his shoulder.

“Who was she doc?”

“She was he.”

The orderly stared, nonplussed. “I don’t get it,” he said.

The doctor spoke slowly, “It may do you some good to know who you look after, just a little. The patient was troubled, sexually abused and bullied through his early years. He was brilliant though, genius IQ, a master in his field, but always alone and never quite whole. He adored his Mother, and after she passed, he took to wearing her clothes, before moving on and buying his own dresses, lingerie and womens’ accessories. He dressed, always in private, and the male part of him fell in love with the female. In time, he wanted a sex change and was referred to me for a psychiatric evaluation, all part of the process, you understand?”

The orderly nodded, not truly understanding, but drawn in by the story.

“I was unable to recommend the surgery, given his obvious Mother issues, as well as his inability to completely give up his male ego, such was his love for the female.”

“So he killed himself? Quite the suicide note,” the orderly snorted.

“It’s a little more complicated than that. I’d call it a note and a confession, you see to me, this was a murder/suicide.”

Yahoo's Top 10 Searches, Dec 4th, 2010

 I used to do this every day, but have been idle for quite some time. Had a hard time getting this one out. Gotta shake out the cobwebs. Check back daily for a new one.

Today's Top Headline - Two Die, 48 Hurt In Emergency Landing

1. Helen Mirren - The veteran actress has accused Hollwood of being ageist and sexist, stating that there are simply not enough roles for older women. Hollywood responded by ousting Miley Cyrus and giving Mirren the starring role in the next Hannah Montana movie.

2. Kate Bosworth - The actress has spoken of how she was battered and bruised after filming her latest movie, "The Warrior's Way". I didn't realize Chris Brown was her co-star.

3. Robert DeNiro - In something of a surprise move, DeNiro will be hosting Saturday Night Live tonight. The acting legend has already shown his comedy chops in movies like, "Meet The Parents", "Analyze This", and "Frankenstein".

4. Mobile Phones - Charles Manson was just one of many California prisoners that had mobile phones hidden in their lock-ups. Wonder if that's where the name cell phones came from.

5. Kurtis Blow - The old school rapper was busted at LAX for having marijuana in his possession. Is it really surprising that someone with the last name BLOW would have drugs on them?

6. Tiger Woods - The embattled golfer has raced into the front with a 4 stroke lead in his latest tournament. This would be his first win of the year and also the first time in recent memory he has hit this many holes without having to shell out hush money.

7. Diddy-Dirty Money - Sean "Diddy" Combs latest musical project will make their TV debut on SNL tonight. Just one more reason not to watch.

8. Profile Pictures - Facebook is rife with cartoon characters as folks change their profile pics to their favorite animated pals in support of stopping child abuse. Next up, change your profile pic to maked shot of helen Mirren to stop ageism and sexism in Hollywood.

9. Invisible Braces - Align your jacked up teeth with the invisible alternative to traditional braces. They will also not set off the alarms at airport metal detectors, reducing the risk of a cavity search. Sounds like a win win to me.

10. X-37B Spaceplane - The Air Force's top secret unmanned spaceplane completed its successful first mission. The project is so top secret, it made it into the top 10 Yahoo searches.