Tuesday, December 14, 2010

5 Minutes To Madness

I am tired....a lethal combination of long work hours and short, sleepless nights have made me a very cranky lad. Add to the fact that I am Scottish and have a wee bit of a temper (a birth right in Scotland, not a personality trait), ad we have a problem brewing.
It only took a 5 minute trip to my local Wal-Mart to light the fuse. Here is how it went down; spent the first 30 seconds parking 20 miles from the front door, then walking through frigid, icy wind shear temperatures just to get a delicious Subway sub. As i reach the entrance, Salvation Army boy starts ringing his little bell RIGHT IN MY FACE. Now, I am all for charity, and the SA is a good one, but if you are going to get all Quasimodo on my ass, then no coins for you.
I have no sooner passed him, when my path is blocked by a blood drive woman who wants me to donate a pint. I say that I can't because......."you are English", she blurts out. This despite the fact that I am wearing a hoodie that says, I Am Famous In Scotland on the front. No, Scottish, I reply.....same thing, she says, chuckling. The look I gave her made her blood turn so cold as to be unusable on their current drive.
Next stop Subway, where I order my usual, a footlong turkey breast with bacon, white cheese, lettuce, onions, salt and pepper. When they are building that baby, and it is always the same people there, no matter what time of day, they always ask what I want on my sanny...lettuce, onions, salt and pepper and that's it, is ALAWAYS (I am leaving that mis-spelling as evidence of my anger, thanks anyways spell-check) my answer. That's it are they key words in my order, a universal indicator that I don't want anything else....mustard and mayonnaise sir?....it is all I can muster at this point not to scream...FUCK OFF AND SHOVE YOUR SUB UP YOUR ARSE....it is only my hunger for said sub that saves the day, anal hair would also not be a topping of my choosing.
I pay and leave, but as i do, the Salvation Army dude spies me and raised his bell arm. To my eternal dismay, I look at him and say firmly, "don't". Like a good boy, he doesn't. Back out to Siberia and the long haul to my car, all the time muttering profanities under my breath.
It has been a full 15 minutes since these events took place, and i am now back in the cozy warmth of our home, writing and enjoying my sandwich, and to top it al........whoa, wait a minute. Is that a hair in my mouth?.....AAAAAAARRRGGGGGGGHHHH!!


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