Thursday, January 13, 2011

Icy Roads & Stomach Pain

The past few days have been fantastic times for weather reporters here in Atlanta. Many have stepped outside to brave the icy snow, others have come up with words like snowpocalypse to hammer home their point, while others have made the ultimate sacrifice by bunking down in the TV studios so that they can bring you, the viewer, the latest crisis point during this wicked winter storm. The truth of the matter, if you ask me, is that the last lot stayed, not out of some desire to be a meteorological superhero, but instead were just to damned scared to get out on the road.

Let me state, as someone who spent 17 years in Calgary, Canada, that this really was some of the worst driving conditions I have ever witnessed. Most roads, that good, old-fashioned Georgia blacktop, went from snow covered to 3 inch ice-packed overnight. It was so bad that even zamboni's - fully equipped with a batmobile like grappling hook that shoots from the side and latches onto light posts to steer you round corners at high speeds - would have hit the ditch the minute the driver stepped on the brake. On my Tuesday commute to work I saw 3 cars go off road and another narrowly avoid me as it slid, backwards, down the hill I was going up.. My poor wife ended up stuck at work for 2 nights, but I was able to make it in, slowly to be sure, thanks to my previous winter driving experience. Yet here I am today, at home, splitting time between the couch and the bathroom. Below is a re-enactment of my morning.

Imagine my stomach is the ocean. Last night and this morning have been stormy seas, bringing with it a host of jagged shells that scar and deface my scenic shoreline (for this, imagine my colon as the Eiffel Tower), and then, every 20 minutes, a tsunami hits that tears away at the fabric of the surrounding cliffs, sending them crashing into the murky waters (a very thinly disguised reference to my porcelain travels). It is so bad that I can hardly stand and, to be quite honest, the pain has brought a little tear to my eyes (I am blaming cat dander).

This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that this is the 3rd time in a 6 month period that I have been hit with a similar issue. If the problem persists beyond today then it's off to the doctor in the morning, where I will get a tonic that will see me fighting fit, or at least with the ability to not be all caveman looking in my posture, and ready for the upcoming football playoff weekend. And now it's off to write 2 days worth of top 10's and dispense of another batch of stomach lining.


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