Sunday, June 19, 2011

Father's Day Blues

Before I start on today's little bout of self pity, I'd like to send out a couple of long distance dedications. Happy birthday wishes to my sister, Jean, up in Canada, and my wee cousin Stephen back in Scotland. Also, Happy Father's Day to my old man, and all you other proud pops out there.

Rollin' through these hills I've known I'd be comin'
Ain't a man alive that likes to be alone?
.......Ray Lamontagne, For The Summer

I've never been one to buy into those "holidays" that seem to serve no purpose other than lining the pockets of the greetings car makers. Mother and Fathers Day, administrative assistants day, finally free from herpes day, and all the rest. With today being Father's Day, I figured I would be free from the hype that surrounds it, but with my kids away on vacation, and my wife working, I am left alone with my thoughts (always dangerous), and have found that I am a little on the down side.

It has nothing so much to do with the day, but rather the absence of the ones I love. I don't need a card, or a horribly mismatched tie and handkerchief set to validate my Fatherdom. My kids owe me nothing, yet they give me their love every day. There is no match for that, nothing any amount of money could ever buy. It is all the more remarkable given the fact that I feel like I am a failure on a daily basis, that I am letting those around me down. A combination of modern medicine and positive affirmation from my loved ones, tells me that my feelings about myself are wrong, yet they persist. It's just the way my mind works (or doesn't).

Messages from my kids and my wife, left for me to wake up to on Facebook, brighten my day, but the clouds persist somewhat. When that happens, I try to escape by losing myself in writing and music. So when I finish this, I am off to start work on a story I promised my wee ones. It will be a distant departure from my usual work, but a labor of love nonetheless. My kids will be in my head and heart as I write, and as long as they are there, I will never be alone.

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