Monday, July 4, 2011

A Bleak Outlook

My wife Penny received some fantastic news this week, an exciting turn of events that has this household a little giddy. She received a major promotion and will now be regional chef for her current company. The new position will have her in charge of 13 properties, across 4 states. The downside is that she will most likely be on the road 5 days a week. Given our current work schedules, our quality time will not alter that much, but it will also mean that I will be left alone for large periods of time.....never a good thing, just me and my head.

In these sorts of situations, scientist love to come up with forecast models and scenarios on how this will change the world. I'm no scientist, obviously, but thought it would be interesting to look at 3 major life changes that may take place while Penny is out of town....so here goes..

#1 EATING HABITS
 As previously mentioned, I am married to a chef, a great one at that, and I eat well. Penny is happy with my sticky out belly, which means I am too, but left alone, food will become a rather unnecessary priority. I never think to eat when I am alone, my mind is far too busy living in some other fantasy world for such mundane tasks as chowing down....the one week forecast is not pretty...


#2 APPEARANCE
I don't think of myself as a particularly natty dresser. I am very comfortable in cargo shorts, skull t-shirt and sandals, but I do try to make the effort to maintain a tidy appearance so that my wife will not be appalled by my penchant for scruffiness. Shaving and underwear changing will be the first to go, followed by water avoidance and soap deprivation.....the forecast is again not too great....

#3 Skin Tone

I am from Scotland and have the skin tone of an albino on crack. Anything more than 5 minutes in the sun will cause me too blister, crack and peel in spectacularly quick fashion. This, combined with my natural shut-in tendencies, has done little for my color over the years, but Penny has forced me outside and the hot rays of the Atlanta sun have turned me a nice shade of melba toast with a thin smearing of philly cream cheese over the past 3 years. Left alone, the indoors will once again become my friend and there is the distinct possibility that I will revert to my natural pale blue skin shade......here is the outlook....
I do not fear these changes, as it will simply be a case of my body sliding back to it's natural, pre 30's state. With all this going on, perhaps my hair will decide to start growing in places other than my ears, nose and ass. Maybe the future is not so bleak after all.

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