Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Anatomy Of A Decision

In my 43 years I have been many things to many people, but the recurring theme has been disappointment. It all boils down to a lack of faith in myself and a fear of failure that leads to self-fulfilling prophecy of doom. I see my failures all too clearly, and while they sometimes keep me awake, it's the sight of the next one coming down the road that really keeps the sandman at bay.

Through it all, I have written, sometimes well, but more often than not with a passion fueled by vitriol and pain; a misguided use of a "talent" that could have made me something much more than what I have turned out to be. While that may sound like the words spoken by an arrogant man, they are actually uttered by a fellow who has discovered himself with a not so gentle push in the back by a pair of loving hands.

A few months ago, my Penny received a well earned promotion, but one that meant she would be on the road from Mon.- Fri every week. Faced with the prospect of too much time alone, I turned once more to writing, and posted an ad on a site, expecting very little. The results have been nothing short of incredible, and in that short time I have written over 200 articles, and received a number of outside offers which left my writing cup running over. Ten hour work days quickly turned to twenty, with my body begging for submission.

Something had to give, and it did, but again with those loving hands steering the way forward. A little over 2 weeks ago, Penny and i decided that I should write on a full-time permanent basis, and although the prospect worries me somewhat, I am actually confident that I will succeed.

I now see my world through her eyes, and disappointment is nowhere to be found; it's all pride and love and a trust that, for once, I will do something right. I want that view to extend to all who see me, for them all to see a man long gone from view, more through his own faults than a misguided perception from those on the outside looking in.

Sure, failure is an option, but if I want that vision to remain crystal clear, I can't let it be.


Andy said...

You Rock.

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