Monday, December 31, 2012


2012 is just about behind us now, and since the Mayans got it all wrong, it's time to look forward to 2013. It's been not a bad wee year in my part of the world, although it's going out with something of a whimper since my wife has to be on the road for work all week. The beer fridge is pretty bare and I really don't feel like going out and stocking up, so it's likely to be a dry leap from '12 to '13, which probably isn't a bad thing.

There have been more than enough ridiculous New Year's parties in my past to last a lifetime. I remember one when me and my pals had all just turned 18. I was still living in Scotland, and since one of my mates parents were out of town for an extended period, we decided to embark on a 3 day bender at his house. We loaded up on lager and cider, cranked the music and got the party started. It lasted for about2 hours and 45 minutes, at which point one of the lads somehow managed to put his fist through the living room door while dancing. The host, as you can imagine, was less than impressed and threw us all out on the street. The sad fact was that we only had about 4 cans of lager left anyway, which meant the chances of partying hard for 2 more days were somewhat unlikely.

This change of year will probably be devoted to writing a little, as I have a good bit of work to do, which is good. Writing is actually going to be my New Year's resolution, and is hopefully one that I can live up to. I spend so much time writing stuff for others that writing for myself has gone out the window. I have decided that it's time to get back to that, so I am going to set up a blog where I can write once per week. I'm not talking about the ranting nonsense that I put on here, but rather short stories and little snippets of ideas that pop into my head on a daily basis, yet get shuffled back in favor of the SEO work that keeps me all too busy. I will update this page with a link to the new blog as soon as it's done. Thanks to those of you who came here on a regular basis and read my little blurbs. I hope you all get everything you wish for in 2013.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Peyton, Papa & Coffee Praise

Football season is now well underway, which means that the alcohol content in my body is beginning to reach its peak annual levels. With all the beer going down, I felt that it was wise to perhaps get a little food in my belly somewhere along the way. All season long, Peyton Manning and he creepy owner of Papa John's Pizza have been arguing back and forth about how many free pizzas they should give away. It was seeing that ad for the 500th time that prompted me to order a meatball pizza for Penny and I. The picture on the website looked incredible, so we could hardly wait for it to arrive.

Our excitement soon turned to disgust upon opening the box. Our 14-inch pizza had a total of 8 tiny meatballs, all of which had somehow landed on the same slice. I imagined the delivery driver cornering on two wheels, causing those meaty bad boys to slide over to one side of the pie. I assume the pepperoni must have had a skittish nature, as it seems they fled the pizza entirely upon feeling that wild car maneuver. I even stepped back outside to see if the driver had left a trail of our meatballs to help him find his way back to the car, but alas, no. I wish I had taken a picture of the bald pizza so that when Papa sent the e-mail offering out free pie the following week, I could have fired back a nasty letter, complete with picture, asking for double the toppings on my free pie......lesson learned here. No more Papa, and Peyton can go fuck himself with the blunt end of a football.

Enjoy this little movie clip before I get to the happy part of this post.

I have always been a little intrigued by magic acts. I remember seeing a dude perform live in this crappy little club in Scotland on a Sunday afternoon. I'll confess to being more than a little tipsy, but this guy was doing tricks that wee good enough to sober me up, As much as I love magic, it has become a little dull to me. That said, Dan Sperry's appearance on America's Got Talent roused my interest again. It was cool to se a guy with as many tattoos as me do something a little different on stage. I became a fan and started following him on Facebook.

Mr Sperry recently announced on his page that he was releasing a new brand of coffee (another personal favorite of mine) called Zombie Java. I loved the idea and left an offhand little comment saying that it sounded like something that could take you from bed to undead in no time at all. Much to my surprise, Dan contacted me and asked if he could use the Bed To Undead tagline for the coffee. I asked for a signed bag in return and the deal was done. The site is set to go live soon, so be sure to order a bag or two.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Last Breath

IN, OUT…IN,OUT…..IN, OUT…….IN,OUT……………….IN….

He felt each labored breath drag out a little longer with each wracking exhale…..OUT.

The curtain was about to fall and suddenly his life felt small and somehow incomplete….IN…..

There was no family by his bedside, no lifelong love to take his hand and ease the fear that now gripped and threatened to choke. No well-meaning nurse to help him see out his final moments. Nothing but the beeps of the machines that helped him breathe those…..OUT……..rattling breaths that were coming all too far apart.


He had always believed that he would know when his last breath would come, so now he held it and closed his eyes, delaying that final exhale as long as his ravaged lungs would allow….and he dreamed…

…….of mom’s sweet kisses over birthday cake, of love’s first look, his soul to take. Of growing up and heartbreak pain, then rinse, repeat and love again. Of passionate breath against his ear, then death to come and salty tears.
He meant to open his eyes for one last look, but realized that all that was good was trapped behind his heavy lids, and that to open them would be to let those memories……..


Thursday, August 9, 2012

Tattoo Confusion

I know all of you regular readers out there are on the edge of your seat waiting for part 2 of the "My 24 Hours With The Devil" story, but I just had to share a pair of weird events that came within a week of one another. As you can probably guess by the title of my blog,  have a few tattoos here and there. That I don't have more has everything to do with my financial situation rather than feeling I have gone too far.

Anyway, the majority of my larger pieces are all inspired by horror movies new and old. No, I am not some Satan worshiping moth breather that wears goat mask to family functions, but I am someone that has always had a love for creepier side of film. It was something that I developed at a very early age when I would sit up with my Mum on Friday nights and watch the old Hammer House of Horror double features along with the classic black and whites. Peter Cushing, Vincent Price, and Christopher Lee were my heroes. When my Mum passed I decided to take my love of her and the movies we watched to my arms by getting sleeved in horror images. My left arm, which boasts the phrase "Thanks For The Late Nights Mum" has the old school monsters, including Christopher Lee's Dracula (pictured below).
People often make the comment that they love my Bela Lugosi tattoo, which is something of an honest mistake. Last week though, I had a rather tipsy gentleman scream out, "IS THAT A BARACK OBAMA TATTOO?" After the laughter dies, his friends tore him to shreds mercilessly, taking pictures so that they could point out his stupidity to other workers the next day.

Fast forward to this morning when I head to Einstein Bros. bagels for my morning coffee and another person gushing..."I LOVE YOUR ALBERT EINSTEIN TATTOO!!" I explained what it really was and then listened to her tell me how much she loved vampires. So much so it would see, that she thinks one of the kings of modern science got his inspiration by drinking human blood. This was a younger girl, so I imagine her idea of a vampire is one where he is besotted with love for a stern faced, unsmiling waif, and who sparkles like a diamond in the sunlight.

My tattoos are there for all to see, and I really don't mind the questions, or the poking and prodding of my arms, or even the baleful stares of folks who actually imagine that I wear the goat mask to dinner. So just ask me about my ink, I really don't mind, although I must say I prefer when people blurt out ninsense as it gives me something to write about.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

My 24 Hours With The Devil - Part 1

Weekends have always been my favorite and have now taken on a new level of happiness given my current circumstances. My wife Penny travels for work and is usually only home on the weekends and my kids come to visit every second one. This past week was particularly fun as we went to a local family restaurant that had good food, cheap beer, and live entertainment on tap for a summer festival. I almost killed myself racing my daughter on an inflatable obstacle course, but the burst lungs and infarction was well worth it. That all happened on Saturday, but on Sunday things took a turn for the worst.
I'd had a few cheap beers the day before, so wasn't really surprised that a touch of gas was on the cards. What was surprising was that each and every belch produced a taste of rotten eggs. I've spoken before of my love for boiled eggs, but with no egg cups yet in my possession, I still can't eat them. That made the rather pungent belly burps all the more concerning, but it was only the beginning. I took the kids to get some school supplies, drove them home, and then felt my stomach lurch on the drive home. I arrived just in time to - how can I put this delicately - dispose of everything I had eaten in the past month via the rear exit. Unpleasant, but it made me feel well enough to enjoy a nice bread bowl of chicken noodle soup. The eggs were still present in my mouth farts, but not as badly as the morning, so I assumed all was well.......WRONG!!

My stomach decided that it didn't really care for that lovely soup, deciding instead to get it out via every available orifice, after I had gone to bed. That resulted in several hasty trips from bed to toilet, trying not to trip over dirty laundry and the cord for the fan. That I made it each and every time has more to do with desperation than any kind of Olympian athletic awesomeness. At one point I watched in amazement as a carrot flew from my nose to join the stream of bile shooting from my mouth, all whilst clenching my cheeks to avoid re-painting the wall behind me. It eventually all settled down, but that was only the beginning of my 24 hour adventure.......

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Thank's For Reading

I have just been informed that I won a cash prize over at for the article I submitted to their contest. Turn out I came in 49th, with the top 100 getting in on the money. Since a chunk of the voting came from page views, I want to take a moment to thanks all of you who took the time to click on the link that I posted a couple of weeks ago.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

A Very Important Guest Post

Not sure if I mentioned this on here before, but I lost my Mom to cancer over a decade ago now. The pain of her loss is still very real which is why I very readily agreed to have Jillian Mckee guest post a fantastic article on these pages. Please take the time to read this fantastic article.

The Importance of Eating Well While Battling Cancer

Loss of appetite proves to be one of the most difficult challenges to overcome as people fight cancer. They understand that the medicines they take, treatments that they endure, and the surgeries that they agree to help remove the illness from their bodies. However, some patients fail to remember that a nutritious diet, particularly during times of sickness, helps them maintain their strength and immunity. For that reason, many doctors urge patients to eat a balanced diet of fruits, vegetables, proteins, and dairy foods.  

Even so, many people find such foods difficult to tolerate after they go through a round of chemotherapy or radiation. Most people would rather go home and sleep than prepare and eat dinner. Nausea and fatigue are hallmark effects of chemotherapy, making it a challenge for patients to tolerate the smell of food, let alone the taste of it.  However, after the nausea subsides, people may find that they can regain a certain degree of their strength by eating small amounts of healthy foods. A cup of applesauce, a small helping of yogurt, half of a turkey sandwich on whole wheat bread, and other similar fare can go a long way in helping people feel normal again. As their appetites improve, they can try larger serving sizes. Within a few days after receiving chemotherapy, they may find that their fatigue has lessened and that their appetites have improved greatly.

In fact, the American Cancer Society reports that a balanced diet can play a crucial role in how well a person withstands his or her battle against cancer. A person who neglects diet and eats sporadically contributes to the feelings of being sick, weak, and tired. This goes for patients with mesothelioma, colon cancer, or any other cancer. That individual may not realize that failing to eat well prolongs that person's fight against the illness.  

People who eat well boost their immune systems and help the treatments eliminate cancer from their bodies. Foods high in Vitamin C, for example, help the body in the production of antioxidants, which in turn attack and kill harmful agents in the blood. Likewise, foods that are high in iron help the blood remain oxygenated and full of red blood cells. Eating plenty of iron-rich fare helps people avoid becoming anemic, a condition that is marked by overwhelming fatigue, weakness, and a yellowing of the skin and eyes.  

In addition to aiding in their own recoveries, people can look at food as a reward for going through the various treatments.  They know that their therapies, surgeries, and other treatments leave them physically drained. As they recuperate, patients are sometimes advised to envision themselves enjoying their favorite treat. Some doctors speculate that this anticipation helps patients recover quicker because these people know that this treat awaits them in the coming days. When a person's stomach is strong enough, he or she is encouraged to partake of that favorite food, both as a treat and as a way to fight cancer.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Wal-Mart Is Making Me Fat

I'm not what anyone would consider to be impulsive, but when I get an idea in my head that won't let go, I have to act on it. Take for example a discussion I had last week with my wife, Penny. She was making breakfast and I started to wax poetic about the morning meals that I would have as a kid in Scotland. At the top of my list was boiled egg and soldiers, with the military men in question being sliced pieces of toast that could be dipped into a runny boiled egg. We both wanted one right there and then, but seeing as how we didn't have egg cups, we settled for a more traditional breakfast.
Fast forward to earlier this morning with poor old me, head stuck in the fridge, trying to figure out what to eat. We always have a hen's assful of eggs, so I immediately thought of boiled egg and soldiers. It was either that or resort to eating an entire can of Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls with icing. I hop in the car and head off to Wal-Mart to pick up a couple of egg cups so that Penny can enjoy the experience when she gets back from work. Problem is I can't find any. There are kitchen utensils that I have never seen or hear of before, including a device that will prevent bacon fat from spraying your bollocks when you cook egg cups though.
I make the mistake of asking the lady in the housewares section where I might find said egg cups and received a slack-jawed stare by way of response. Seems she, or anyone else in Wal-Mart for that matter has never heard of egg cups.
I admit defeat and head back to my car where my dog greets me with the same expression as the shop clerk. It's less than a 5 minute drive to my house, but by the time I get there I have convinced myself that the cinnamon rolls will become tainted if I don't eat the. I am well aware that they are in a vacuum sealed tin that would survive a nuclear attack, and that superior being from another galaxy would never be able to open that can, but I still have an inkling that the ebola virus will find its way in.
Thirty minutes later, my arteries clogged with icing, and I am filled with shame. 8 cinnamon rolls are gone, as well as a pot of coffee, and I am appalled. I feel like the dude from "Seven" and almost wish that Kevin Spacey would come and punish me for my sins. I soon realize that it's not my fault though, and that if Wal-Mart would just take the simple steps of selling egg cups, this kind of breakfast debauchery could be avoided.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

A Little Help Please

I've just had an article accepted and placed live for the chance to win $150. I need page views and votes to help my chances, so please, if you have the time, take a moment to read.

Top 5 Bloodiest Horror Movie Moments

Monday, June 25, 2012

A War Of Words

I have recently set out on a quest to find some higher paying writing jobs and have found a couple of great sites that will allow me to do that. Both require you to write X amount of articles, each of which are rated by the client. The average rating at the end of those articles dictates what writing level you can pick orders from. The one I really want requires 4.6 out of 5 stars to get their Elite status, which translates to very high paying articles. After 8 articles I was maintaining a very healthy 4.875 average. I chose my next article carefully, wrote a very nice 300 word piece and waited for approval. Within minutes it was rejected, with the reasoning being "spellings."

Remaining calm, I went back and did a little perusal, followed by a spell check and found no errors. I WAS PISSED!! The negative ranking had dropped me down to a 4.4 and raised my blood pressure to 180 over 110. I contacted support, making sure to attach my original piece, and am happy to report that the negative rating was removed from my record. I have since finished two more articles and am now at 4.9. My blood pressure has also been restored to normal levels and I have patched the holes I made in the wall with my forehead.

Stay tuned for updates on my progress, but while you wait, here is another article that I just had accepted, all about the joys of bathroom remodeling.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Onions and IPA

If you take a look at my profile picture on this blog, you may believe that I am a delicate little flower, what with my painted nails and happy smirk. The reality is that I am a towering, tattooed, 240 lb behemoth that eats cow meat for breakfast lunch and dinner, all washed down with a flagon of ale.

Ok, that may be taking it a little too far, but I do love meat and beer. My current favorite is the Steak and Cheese sandwich at the Local Republic (our favorite eating and drinking hole). What the name of the sandwich does not tell you is that it is loaded with fried onions, which just happen to be a personal favorite of mine. I like nothing better than to wolf down that sandwich, usually accompanied by a couple of pints of 2X IPA. It's a delicious combination that I adore, but my stomach automatically rebels against in ways that should never be mentioned......that's not going to stop me from doing so though.

To say that the combination of onions and IPA gives me gas is something of an understatement. It's so bad that if I am in the vicinity of people who live in the Mt Saint Helen's area it sends them running for the door. The only living creature that gets any joy from the eruptions is my dog who licks at the the pace around her in an attempt to get a mouthful of airborne meaty kibble. The fan above our bed runs without the aid of electricity on these evenings and the walls need a fresh lick of paint.

You would think that by now I would get it into my head that there is no amount of Pepto Bismol that can prevent the inevitable, but I never learn. I love onions and IPA, and if that means that I have to walk around for a 24 hour period sounding as though I am strapped to a James Bond jetapack, then so be it.


There are time when sleep won't come, no matter how hard I will it to do so. I shrug it off and figure I'll work, but when the sleepy bug is on my shoulder, tapping in my ear, the words don't come either.
I can deal with laying awake, watching the fan spin in lazy circles above my head, but that blinking cursor on a blank word document puts a knot in my belly the size of Texas.
Writing is my doesn't just pay the bills, it empties my head of negative thoughts and bad shit that turns to rot if left unattended.
Were it not for family I would drown in that negativity and probably be quite comfortable doing so. I spend so much time wallowing on words that it feels good to breathe a little and drink in the love that is sent my way by my wife and kids.
I'm tired, but alive....sleepy, yet happy......restless, but never alone, no matter what I sometimes feel.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I'm Huge In France

When I first started this blog, I was somewhat obsessed with the amount of visitors that I was receiving. I would refresh the stats every three minutes, uttering little squeaks of joy every time my visitor count moved up by one. The excitement ended pretty quickly when I drilled a little deeper and noticed that the locations my avid readers came from bore eerie similarities to where my friends and family lived.

I'm somewhat bored this evening, so thought it might be fun to take a look at my stats from the past week or two. I of course expected US, Canada, and UK to be tops, since that is where everyone I know lives, but France came in second, right behind the US. It would appear that I have become the Jerry Lewis of crappy bloggers with 89 French visitors gracing these pages in the last 2 weeks.

What this means is that with Euro 2012 starting in 2 days and Scotland once more no present in a major finals, I may have to switch allegiance an root for France. In a spooky twist of fate, my French ami's are matched up against England, which would have meant me automatically pulling for them anyway. The stars have aligned and I am off to buy a beret for the start of the tournament.


Monday, May 28, 2012

Homecomings, Happy Times & Hurricanes

Those of you who follow this blog probably read my last post about the impending family fracture that was going to take place during the USA vs Scotland soccer match that went of over the weekend in Jacksonville. I am happy to report that the family is still intact despite the 5-1 thumping that my Scottish lads had to endure. It was hard to feel any sort of ill will when the weekend was just so much fun.
Me and the kids at Jacksonville Landing

Friday night and Saturday afternoon was spent at Jacksonville Landing, a location that had pretty much been taken over by the invading Scots. It was my people doing what they do best; drinking like fish and mingling with the locals in good-natured fun. I almost forgot where I was on Saturday afternoon, exclaiming loudly to Penny, "Look, that boat has a US flag on it."
Penny sporting her colors with the kids

There were too many highlights over the course of the 3 days to pick just one, so here are a few. My daughter being given a pheasant feather for her cap after asking about the feathers in the Scotsmen's hats. Penny and my son's excitement at being in the midst of 45,000 people and watching their first live soccer game. And for me, it was meeting a few American fans at half time after they had been giving it to me pretty hard during the game. It was all fun stuff and some great banter back and forth. We took the time to talk for a few minutes, sharing our love of the game and the atmosphere. As we stood to leave at the end, with me feeling very humbled at the scoreline, all the lads in that section stood and applauded us as we left. A class act indeed, and one that made a horrible result seem somehow okay.

We left on Sunday, sad to be on the road, yet happy to have had the experience. What we didn't realize was that we missed Tropical Storm Beryl by a mere few hours. It pounded Jacksonville on Sunday, closing bridges and grounding the flights of the Scottish fans who had come to visit.
It was a little surreal to watch the news last night and see where we were a few hours earlier get pummeled. Most would blame Mother Nature, but I like to think of it as the Scottish soccer god's exacting a wee slice of revenge for the pummeling we took the day before.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

A Family Divided

There is nothing more important in this world than family, but where I come from, soccer runs a pretty close second. The two worlds collide this weekend when I travel down to Jacksonville, FL for the US vs. Scotland soccer friendly.

I may have been gone from my homeland for 25 years, but that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't beat a little faster when the bagpipes start to play and the Tartan Army sings in full voice. I can't wait for the game, and it's made all the better by the fact that my wife and kids are coming along to join in the fun. My kids have already pledged allegiance to the flag of Scotland (even though they were born in Canada and have spent the past 8 years in the US). That means that my poor wife is going to be wedged between me and her beloved step-kids, not to mention a bunch of hairy highlanders with all sorts of nasty items peeking out from below their kilts.

To her credit, she has her US jersey ready to go and is more than prepared to unleash her fiery, redheaded temper on anyone who dares question her country.....myself included. For my part, I have the kilt ready to go and can't wait for the action to begin. But more than that, I can't wait to get away with the family for a few days, even if it does mean one of us may have to make the trip home tied to the roof rack...fingers crossed for a tie game.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

The Price Of Procratination

I have always said that story ideas can be shared by many, and that some calls of plagiarism or intellectual theft are sometimes just a case of great minds thinking alike. Of course, there are cases where entire chunks of text have been copied, but that's something entirely different.

You can't really copyright an idea until it has been put down on paper, otherwise I might have a nice little lawsuit on my hands. I have story ideas flit in and out of my head all the time. Some find their way out, while others bounce around until I fine tune them for writing. One such idea sprung up a few years back, with the working title "The Ghosts Of Chernobyl." The idea came from watching a documentary about urban exploring called "Urban Explorers: Into The Darkness."

It's a very cool look at modern day adventurers who explore abandoned building and hidden parts of the city that most never get to see. That got my mind whirring and wondering how it would go if they were dropped in Chernobyl, with wackiness ensuing of course. The idea bounced around. A few scenes came to life in my mind, but I never put anything down on paper and eventually set it aside for the moment. A couple of years passed and then I see this:

It bears a striking resemblance to what is in my head, but unless Oren Peli (Paranormal Activity) has somehow bugged my subconscious, it's just a case of mind's thinking alike. Who knows, perhaps Mr. Peli saw that same documentary and had the same idea as myself. Whatever the case, even if I had it written down with scenes that came close to being the same, how could I ever claim plagiarism if no-one saw it but me?

The lesson here is that I really have to get my act together and start writing this stuff down. I've always dreamed of penning a Hollywood horror flick,,and it seems that my ideas aren't as wacky as I might have thought.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Fancy Yourself As A Writer?

As someone who makes their living from writing, I am always looking at news ways of generating income from the nonsense that I scribble. With that said, I think I have come across a really good one. It's called Info Barrel
and you can pretty much write about anything that your little heart desires. There are no up front payments, but everything that you write is monetized in a way that can pay you via ad clicks and the like.
If you fancy joining, you can do so by clicking here.

Here are a couple of examples of what I have put up so far. My goal over there is to write about stuff that I find interesting, especially given that the majority of my time is spent writing content for other folks on subjects that I ordinarily wouldn't write about.

The first one is about the current state of the Academy Awards, and how they have changed over the years. You can visit that one by clicking here.
The other article is one of my little true story pieces about my wife and I on a mystical quest to find a good Irish Pub in our area, and you can read that one by clicking here

Enjoy the reads, and sign up if you fancy. If you do choose to be a part of the site, look for me over there under the name inkedwriter and I'll do my best to pimp whatever you write.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Subscribe To My Daily Paper

January 19th, 2011 Top 10

Another day, another hilariously brilliant Top 10, just not here I'm afraid. here instead is my lame ass attempt at humor.

  1. Dwayne Wade - The Miami Heat baller has just received a $230,000 sports car from his girlfriend for his 30th birthday. My wife's birthday is tomorrow, and this story makes me believe that perhaps I should re-think the toaster.
  2. Jodie Sweetin - The former Full House child star has also just turned 30. No hot wheels for her though, as she appears quite happy to just stay on the wagon.
  3. Lauren Scruggs - The model who lost an eye and a hand after walking into a propeller, was released from hospital yesterday and appears to be in good spirits. No jokes here as this was a tragic accident, but fear not, I'm sure there will be more people I can pick on shortly.
  4. Jessica Capshaw - Congrats to the Grey's Antaomy start who has just announced that she is pregnant with her third child. Her character name on the show is Arizona, which makes me think we should call her real life husband Tennessee, as he appears to be spending a lot of time down south...wink, wink.
  5. Antidepressants - Research is showing that more patients seem to do better on placebo's rather than on the antidepressants they were prescribed. For me, I find that booze and crack cocaine are equally as refreshing as my Lexapro.
  6. Snooki Without Make-Up - The Jersey Shore star finally showed the world what she looks like without caked on cosmetics. Next up on Jersey Shore, the Situation without hair product.
  7. Coffee - More great research news as it has been revealed that heavy coffee drinkers seem to be a less risk of getting Diabetes. If that's really the case, then my family line should be free of Diabetes for the next 6 generations.
  8. William Shatner - Former space cadet turned travel site pitchman will be losing his gig as the Priceline Negotiator. The final ad will show his character go over a cliff on a bus. If Shatner can bring Spock back from the dead on film, then I think it's fair to say that the Negotiator will be back at some point.
  9. Peyton Manning - Word has it that the Colts QB is close to announcing his retirement. The source of that information is none other than hunky has been Rob Lowe who put the word out via Twitter. Next up for Lowe, a gig on ESPN Sportscenter alongside John Clayton who tweeted that Jim Caldwell would be keeping his Colts coaching job.
  10. Gwinnett Teacher Resigns - A teacher in a prominent Georgia county has resigned after being caught assigning math homework that had word problems that used slavery and beatings in the wording. My kids go to school in this county, which makes this story more than just a little scary, as well as making the pointy hatted school mascot make a little more sense.
That's all folks...see y'all tomorrow if I don't get lynched picking my kids up from school.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

January 18th, 2011 Top 10

I'm back for another round of snark, and hopefully some celebrity bashing.
  1. Kim Richards - The star of The real Housewives of Beverly Hills is reportedly doing well after a stint in rehab.Strangely enough, Keith Richards is still doing well after almost 70 years of needing rehab.
  2. Jenelle Evans - Another reality star with issues, the Teen Mom is in trouble with the law after an alleged domestic dispute with a roommate. Seems like these "stars" have more interesting real real lives than the real lives they live on reality TV...trying saying that 5 times quickly.
  3. O.J. Simpson - More bad news for the Juice as his Florida home is now on the brink of foreclosure. Rumor has it he may be forced to sleep in Kato Kaelin's bathtub once he gets out of the big house.
  4. Jessica Alba - The Hollywood hottie has just endorsed a number of eco-friendly household baby items, all of which will be available for a monthly fee. Among the new items are the "Deep Blue Bikini for Babies", and "Dark Angel Disposable Diapers."
  5. Katy Perry Sims - The bubbly pop singer has teamed up with EA to appear in, and design themed products for the insanely popular Sims game. In related video game news, Kelly Clarkson's career will be showing up on Dead Island.
  6. Bob The Turkey - Residents of Woodstock, GA are mourning the loss of their beloved town mascot after the turkey was hit by a passing car. Police are looking into possible fowl play.
  7. Everglades Snakes - $ species of giant snake have been plaguing the Everglades and have now been banned from being imported into the US. In future, all Burmese Pythons, northern and southern pythons, and yellow anacondas will be required to carry proof of citizenship at all times.
  8. PIPA - The pending SOPA/PIPA legislation, which are intended to battle internet piracy has caused a number of big name websites to go dark today in protest. men around the world heaved a collective sigh of relief when they learned that online porn sites were not affected.
  9. 1,100 Year Old Tomb - Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered an 1,00 year old tomb that they believe belongs to a female singer. They were tipped of by images on the interior walls that showed the entombed vocalist performing in Vegas with Liza Minnelli.
  10. Itzcoatl Ocampo - Nothing funny about this story of a former Marine who had allegedly stabbed four homeless men to death, and was in possession of a list of more possible victims.
Sorry I had to end this list on a downer, let's all hope that some big name celeb does something really stupid in the next 24 hours, so that we all may laugh again.

Friday, January 13, 2012

January 13th, 2011 Top 10

These are the items that are trending at Yahoo as I write...please remember that all insults and snide remarks are meant in fun, but if you must flame me, then prepare to be slaughtered tomorrow....cheers.

  1. Danica Patrick - The GoDaddy girl, and part-time race car driver, has claimed that she is channeling the honey badger for the upcoming Daytona 500. That's great news should a hive of bees happen to get trapped in the car. I can hear the crew chief now, "She's been stung...she's been bitten."
  2. Viola Davis - Congratulations to the "The Help" actress, who won big at the Critic's Choice Awards. The movie also scored big, beating out 4 other movies that no-one else but the critics have seen.
  3. Sausage and Cancer - It seems that the delicious breakfast treats of sausage and bacon may increase your risk of pancreatic cancer by as much as 19%. That's of course assuming that you don't have a massive, grease induced coronary first.
  4. Diana DeGarmo - The former American Idol contestant has proclaimed her love for another former AI alum, Ace Young. They claim it was "Hair" that brought them together, with Young claiming to be "sold" when he saw a naked DeGarmo rehearsing the part. I'm assuming their ideas of "Hair" being the catalyst for their love may differ a little in translation.
  5. Internet Addiction - It has been revealed that an obsession with surfing will actually cause changes to the brain that are the same as those addicted to drugs or alcohol. Brings a whole new meaning to high speed.
  6. Kate Beckinsale - The English actress stars in the critically panned "Contraband" which opens in theater this week. The good news is that she will shortly be back as Selene in the latest Underworld vampire flick, which is at least a role where she is expected to suck.
  7. Bill Murray - The trailer for his latest movie "Moonrise Kingdom" shows the quirky funnyman wielding a rather large axe. What isn't shown in the trailer is Mr. Murray attacking the lastest script for Ghostbusters 3 with said axe.
  8. Jeff Fisher - The former Titans' coach has finally decided to take the Rams coaching position over that of the Miami Dolphins. As a Scotsman I applaud his decision to choose a sheep over all the other animal options in the NFL.
  9. Atlanta Boat Show - A 200,000 gallon water tank collapsed and flooded the area where the show was to take place. This caused a 4 hour delay as ship captain's steered their vessels back to their original display areas at the Georgia World Congress Center.
  10. New Laptops - It appears that the new theme for laptops in 2012 is "thinner, lighter, and more luxurious." I smell a laptop tie-in with Trojan Condoms people.
I hope to be back with another top 10 tomorrow, and on a personal note I'd like to thank the scientist who made that internet addiction discovery. You have just saved me a fortune on beer and crack.

The Daily Top 10 Set To Return

Not so very long ago I used to do an incredibly snarky little top 10 based off of the "Trending Now" list at Yahoo. It ended up developing quite the little following, as well as allowing me to be flamed by Lady Gaga fans who didn't particularly care from my brand of humor.
When I quit to write full-time, the act of writing for others completely overtook the writing that I did for myself, and all creativity was laid to rest for the time being (not that finding ways to make anal warts and nose picking addiction tips sound interesting doesn't require some creativity, but you know what I mean).
I am now going through a little phase of really missing writing that fun stuff, and it actually took a request to write a fun little article about fatherhood that made me realize how badly I did miss it.
With all that said, I am bringing back the Daily Top 10, although the daily aspect of it will really depend on how busy I am. I'm going to try and wedge one in today, because I just looked at the Trending Now page and there are a couple of great ones for me to rip on.
Stay Tuned.......